Why I Run

Why do I run?

It's a question I think about a lot. Almost every day, really. I run because it's hard for me. Every single mile I complete is a challenge both physically and mentally. Without fail, I'm usually ready to stop running after about 1/2 mile. But there is a kind and determined voice inside of me that says "Keep trying. You can do it. Don't give up." And this is extremely significant because for the first 23 years of my life, that same voice was a malicious, self-loathing one that only told me multiple times each day how ugly, fat, stupid and worthless I was. Where the change happened, I'm not exactly sure. Yes, it was definitely after the several year struggle with anorexia, then bulimia, along with chewing and spitting, binge eating, and restriction for years. But after I was recovered from harmful eating habits, I was still plagued by just-as-harmful thoughts toward myself and others. I hated myself and my body this time not because of what I weighed, but because of the fact that I "couldn't" run. I directed my self-hate to getting better at running. Although I did improve at running, my mentality was still extremely punishing and I only drove myself to shin splints and a stress fracture. It looked good on the surface ("Running is healthy!") but I was still tearing myself apart emotionally.

To be quite honest, I don't know exactly the moment where the change happened. But I suspect it happened after I realized I was running myself into the ground, not based on 100 mile weeks, but on my attitude. It likely happened when I realized I literally drove my boyfriend away from me due to this new, slightly more creative form of disordered eating/mentality. It definitely happened when I renewed my promise to be kind to myself, in part due to the wonderful fitness blogs out there. (healthytippingpoint.com, operationbeautiful.com, ohsheglows.com, among others.) And it happened when I realized that harming myself and making running an idol is a sin. And it happened in so many little things. It happened when I accomplished my goal of running a 5K without any walking breaks. And when I was forced to take last summer off because standing, much less running hurt so much due to the stress fracture. Ironically it happened when I had some "WTF are you doing?" moments while running. And it happened when I heard "I Run for Life" by Melissa Etheridge.

In other words, I now run because it makes my soul happy. Running keeps me healthy, physically and more importantly, mentally. Running forces me to be kind to myself, especially if I am to complete my goal of the Pittsburgh Marathon this Sunday! Running gives me an outlet for stress relief and provides me something that I can be proud of in my life. Every single time I complete one more mile, I am thankful for who running has helped me become. I consider it a blessing that it was and still is hard for me, because I never take it for granted. I want to inspire others to be kind to themselves, whether it is through running, or nutritious eating, or learning to voice their opinions, or learning that it's OK to say no, or that it's not selfish to get all nine hours of sleep that your body may require. I run because I can and I want to.

And that's why I'm running 26.2 this Sunday!

Be kind to yourselves!

Operation Beautiful!

Check out Caitlin's latest project of starting a positive body image movement among women. I found this through Kath's blog and I love it so much, so I wanted to post it. I'm probably also going to post it on my Facebook profile and try to get the word out as much as possible! As a young woman who struggled with an ED/DE for several years, this kind of project is so encouraging to see! I would love to participate and I will definitely be telling other women about it!

So, head on over to Operation Beautiful for a refreshing reminder that you TRULY ARE BEAUTIFUL exactly the way you are! Girls, let's not waste even one more second of our lives with berating ourselves, verbally and/or physically abusing ourselves, and just generally being awful to your soul and spirit.

You are worth so much more than that!

Off to West Virginia!

I'm posting quickly before I leave to play two shows in West Virginia tonight and tomorrow. I'm not sure of the venue tonight, but I'm REALLY hoping that they have TV screens and that they will be showing the Penguin's hockey game! It's the FINAL game 7 between Detroit and Pittsburgh and I am cheering on Pittsburgh all the way! If they win tonight, they win the Stanley Cup!

(By the way, I don't know why this formatting is acting up, but I know that it looks strange. I apologize!) On the note of my upcoming schedule, I'll be away until Sunday afternoon with the West Virginia shows, then I'm playing a show here in town at an arts festival and teaching a few lessons on Sunday night. I have a full day of teaching on Monday (but will DEFINITELY try to post a blog!) and on Tuesday I'm leaving again with my band to play 3 shows in Iowa! Woo! I've never been to Iowa and I'm excited for them. We'll have shows on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of next week, with a possibility of doing a radio show on the way home on Sunday. But anyway, the point is that after Monday, I won't be able to blog until the following Monday! Please be patient with me because I love the blogging world and I'm really not trying to be neglectful of either my blog or of reading and commenting on your blogs. It's just been really busy for me and I'm excited to get to have the opportunity to travel this coming week. I thought of Iowa Girl Eats with my trip coming up. I don't know her very well though, so a blogger meet up probably won't happen.

Ok, let me leave you with some pictures a few of my eats from the last couple of days. Nothing too exciting, but it's been a whirlwind of birthday stuff and packing and hanging out with my wonderful boyfriend, so I haven't gotten to take a lot of pictures.

WW tortilla with cabbage, onion, cheese and shredded chicken, topped with salsa.

Fresh red peppers are one of my favorite foods and I love just eating them whole and raw!

I made a breakfast off scrambled eggs (mostly egg whites) with a little cheese, a piece of ww bread with FF cheese, a tomato and some more of the cabbage mix I cooked up.

A mini non-whole grain bagel with cream cheese. It's delicious, but not my first choice to be eating refined grains. I snagged it at a recital that I played at with a bunch of kids. I was helping out and it was available.

I also grabbed these at that recital and ate them in the car on my way to another recital that 3 of my students were performing at. :)

Another couple of breakfasts. :)





Two particularly great meals that aren't photographed were a chicken pesto sandwich with provolone cheese and fries (on my birthday with my friends) and yesterday my boyfriend made an incredible crock pot chili for me with lots of veggies and ground turkey over top of brown rice. I can't quite explain how wonderful he is. He is so selfless and caring. I couldn't see him yesterday so today he had to play a gig that's an hour away and passed up the chance to carpool with the singer in order to get to see me for a little while while we got breakfast at Wendy's. Again, not my first choice, but I really wanted to see him and he's WAAAYYY more important than eating only unprocessed healthy food. Sadly, he wouldn't have been if I had been dating him 3 or 4 years ago, but now I am grateful that I have learned this lesson. People, and especially my sweet boyfriend, are ALWAYS more important than food. I've said it before on this blog, but I firmly believe that food is simply a means by which we get the energy to be FULLY engaged in life, to be able to love and serve others better, and to be and become a better person! That is why I would prefer to eat more nutritious foods that will provide nutrients for my body to use, but fast food or refined carbs, or too much fat, or whatever does not matter in the long run and certainly should not make you feel bad about yourself for having eaten it!! I feel VERY strongly about this due to my ED/DE years and I am sad that I missed out on parts of my life for far too long.

And here is the Wendy's sandwich that I had.

I tried a hash brown and it was kind of gross, so I didn't eat any more of them.


OK, I'm off to pack now and then practice/rehearse before leaving in a few hours. So I'll "see" you all on Monday and then be away again for a while! I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend planned! PLEASE leave me comments, because I will be checking for them and I'd love to hear from you all while I'm away from my friends here at home!

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THIS WEEKEND?

And as my second question of this blog, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE U.S. STATE TO VISIT? I personally have loved Tennessee (Nashville is such a great city! We recorded our most recent CD down there! Also made me think of Heather from Heather Eats Almond Butter!) I also like NYC (wouldn't really want to live there) and North Carolina is great! (Haven't been to Charlotte, but I always think of Kath from Kath Eats anyway.)

Have a great day!

Impromptu blogger meet up + sleep deprivation

I woke up much earlier than expected and even though I wanted to go back to sleep (2:30am-7am is NOT enough!!) my sister was on Facebook chat and we talked for a while. (She's living in India for a year, so I rarely even get to chat on-line much with her due to the 10.5 hour time difference.) So at that point I figured I'd stay up and I made and consumed three cups of coffee! (By the way, last night I slept from 3:30am to 6:30am after driving home from playing a show [more about this coming up.]) I am almost constantly sleep deprived and it makes me appreciate the 9 hour nights I occasionally get! I NEED to be better about prioritizing sleep, but with my fairly busy schedule sometimes it's really hard to do! This is also why I am heavily addicted to caffeine. And I love my life! Even with the nights of 3 or 4 hours of sleep! :)

I had a simple breakfast of a slice of ww bread with PB Loco, cottage cheese and coffee.


Anyway, quick recap: left Thursday afternoon for a Thursday night show. It went well, except that we were playing in a city whose sports team was in the playoffs and there was a home game that night, so almost nobody came to the show, because they were all watching the game! Meh, we still played well. After sleeping in on Friday (yay!) and eating this bar


because I was sickly hungry, we drove to the next city to play. I called Emily, from The Health Nut because I knew she had just finished her thesis defense! (Congratulations, again!) and I was in Columbus, OH. She was available that evening so we got dinner at The Red Door Tavern. I had their Southwest Chicken sandwich and it was great! Grilled chicken with pepperjack cheese and BBQ sauce, plus fries and ketchup.

I also had a Bear Ass Pale Ale while playing:


We played a good show and drove home, getting in around 3am.

On Saturday morning I woke up at 6:30am to drive down to my real home and to teach some violin lessons. I ended up doing something I NEVER do: I stopped at McDonald's and ordered more than just black coffee (although I got that too!) I actually purchased and consumed a sausage McMuffin. I can't say I enjoyed it that much (texture + grease = eww), but the few times I've had them they do a very good job of keeping me full, due to the high fat content (22 grams, according to the package). Plus I had coupons to McDonalds, so it was free! I guess it did the job. NO, I don't intend to eat there very much (I kind of loathe McDonalds, actually), but one time is fine and it was the only thing I had time for.


They included a hash brown which I didn't eat but I had swiped a banana from my friend's house and I also ate that.

Once home, I taught another lesson and played an absolutely BEAUTIFUL wedding! :) And the bride "tipped" the musicians in chocolate! I thought this was a BRILLIANT idea and I might very well do something similar in the future. (It was REALLY nice chocolate! I had some Toffee Bark and a pack of 5 all different truffles!) Here's one of them that I ate:


My afternoon included eating a lot of chocolate and other snacks. Probably due to the 3 hours of sleep, but I think hormones also played a part in it! Do you every have those days where you can eat everything in sight and not even feel full, much less sick? And it's definitely not a binge day (I had those in my ED years) but like I just needed to eat a ton of food? I know my hormones are still being weird and strange and REALLY trying hard to regulate themselves and I think that might have contributed! For example, my body never quite managed to have a period in May. Sorry, I know that is TMI, but I'm just trying to figure out the connection between food and hormones and everything. I'm hoping the period will show up at some point in June. Sheesh, you'd think I could have been smart enough to not screw up my body for 6 years even after recovery, but I guess I messed with it pretty seriously. Interestingly, my WONDERFUL, AMAZING boyfriend knows about my ED years (He asked me specifically after seeing something about it on Facebook) and even saw a picture I showed him of me at my lowest weight, and he is understanding and still loves and cares about me. In his words, "Lisa, I want to love all of you, even all the crap that you've been though"! I am speechless to think how blessed I am to be dating him!

Anyway, finishing up really quickly. I snacked on a wonderful pack of cherry flavored raisins from Mi with some FF cottage cheese.


I had a gazillion squares of a hazelnut chocolate bar also from Mi (pictures in a later blog) and a piece of cinnamon coffee cake from Starbucks. I stared off with thin slices and by the day was over I had consumed the whole thing.


At this point I decided that I really needed to eat something nutritious and substantial so I made a Gliding Calm-style Indian meal. I chopped up 3 carrots, some purple onion and a green bell pepper and sauteed them (sans oil--I figured I'd consumed enough fat that day!)

Then I added this Indian meal and heated it up.



I also cooked some red quinoa and put the Indian dish over top of that.


I had a few bites of chicken for a little more protein.

Off to shower, then church, teach, and meet my boyfriend's parents! Have a great Sunday everyone!

I love Big Lots!

Good morning! I woke up wanting cereal so I had this bowl with TJ's high fiber cereal, half a banana, cashew pieces and FF milk.

I also snacked on more cashew pieces and the other half of my banana with PB.

I briefly mentioned my Tuesday night Big Lots shop but I figured I'd show you the rest of my fun purchases. I found a huge pack of Crest Whitening Products, including two packs of White Strips and two tubes of whitening toothpaste for $35! And the expiration date is pretty far, so they should still be effective! I'm excited because my teeth aren't that bad, but I really want a whiter smile.


Other finds include:

• two Clif Z bars for $.40 each
• a bunch of hair ties for $2
• pre-moistened make up removing cloths for $1 (I tried these and I LOVE them enough to go back and try to buy a couople more packs!! Their scent reminds me faintly of Bath and Bodyworks Cucumber Melon scent!)
• FiberPlus Antioxidants bars. These are THE most delicious chocolatey snack bars I've ever tried!! If you ever have the opportunity to try these you MUST buy them (specifically the Dark Chocolate Almond flavor. The other one is OK, but not quite as mind-numbingly delicious!) I am a serious chocoholic and I can't fully describe how amazing they are! I first had these at an international music festival in Memphis, TN and my regular grocery store doesn't carry them so I got super excited about finding these for $2 at Big Lots! In addition to being the best tasting snack bars I've ever eaten, they have pretty good nutritionals. Would you all be interested in me holding a giveaway of one box of them?! I'm considering it and I'd love to do so!
  

I had a little too much unhealthy food AGAIN yesterday. I'm not really too concerned, as I've talked about on this blog before. But I would like to start upping the veggies, drink more water, and cut back on the fried foods. I totally forgot to mention that I had a large serving of onion rings on Tuesday night (and now also Wednesday night! Umm, they were so freaking amazing!) and I've just generally been choosing foods without a ton of nutrition. Reason # 9,385,274 why having an ED sucks: long after recovery, when the periods FINALLY start even THINKING about coming back, you will be super hormonal ALL THE FREAKING TIME. I have a lot of patience with myself because I know my body is doing such a great job of healing itself 100% and it's SOOO close. But to be completely honest (and perhaps TMI) I still have highly irregular periods and many months they don't show up at all. (My periods were completely gone for about 5 years and are finally showing up about 6 years later!!) I am pleased that I haven't had to take birth control to regulate them (I don't have anything against birth control, I just wanted to get my periods back naturally). Anyway, the point is that I'm not one to blame my moods on hormones, but I've just noticed HUGE changes in how I feel from week to week and I've been crying a lot more than normal, over both happy and sad/upset emotions. I'm not a big crier on a regular basis. And the logical side of my brain is (nicely) laughing at the emotional side of me being a woman. The logical side also helps me get through the stupid hormonal weeks by reassuring me that I just have to wait it out, thanks to the damage I did to my body during my ED/DE years. Despite the occasional--ahem, or not so occasional as the case may be--crying, I find it's a beautiful thing to see my body continuing to heal and start functioning again as a woman who will be able to be a mommy someday!

And on that note, here's my mini chocolate snacking episode yesterday:



I also had a handful of carob chips and cashews with the above chocolate.

I went to teach and play from 4-8pm and after the church service that I play from 7-8pm they had delicious orange cake for us:


Sorry for the picture quality. I had to snap it quickly, and I had also already taken a few bites.

The Pens (hockey team!) won the game yesterday, thus advancing to the next round of the playoffs! Woohoo! I had two Labatt's Blue and those onion rings while watching with my friends.

AnAppleADay is having another amazing round of giveaways! I want to win ANY of these products! :)

I'm off to hop in the shower here before rehearsing for two hours with a friend. Then I'll hit the gym, and have a pretty free afternoon until meeting my boyfriend for dinner with the two people he lives with. They're an older couple and they're almost like his family away from home, so it'll be exciting! I haven't gotten a chance to really get to know them yet, so it'll be nice.

Attack of the sweet tooth!

Good morning and happy Friday everyone! Does anyone have any fun weekend plans? Mine include:

-two hour rehearsal with a friend today (he's a guitarist, and I'm practicing my jazz violin improv skills! woohoo!)
-dinner with friends tonight
-small local art festival tonight with other friends. :)
-quick grocery shop for fresh produce (and chocolate covered ginger for my boyfriend--he's never had it so I'm buying him the TJs kind and also some spicy ginger chews!)
-mail a contract for a festival I'm playing at this summer
-teach tomorrow morning
-play with a string trio for a wedding tomorrow afternoon
-teach a couple lessons on Sunday
-hang out with the boyfriend :)
-a couple workouts thrown in there somewhere

Breakfast today was a change of pace. I had two slices of whole grain bread with PB, cottage cheese, a drizzle of agave nectar (in the cottage cheese--this is delicious!) and an extremely overripe (but yummy) banana.


With coffee:


Yesterday my sweet tooth attacked hard. I'm not sure why, and it's really OK, but I ended up eating quite a bit more than I planned. Afternoon recap here. I had some leftover Chinese food for lunch. I actually broke open the egg roll and mostly ate the inside. I don't do this often (too ED-ish) but the egg roll wrapping isn't exactly healthy and I didn't see anything wrong with it.


After lunch I wanted something sweet so I had a Vitatop.


and I ended up also having a Vitabrownie (no picture), a lemon bar, a leftover bite of a cornflake chewy


and a coconut blondie.


In the afternoon I got my free sample of Barney Butter in the mail!!


I immediately had to try one, of course, so I ate a banana with the AB on it.

And a glass of milk on the side.


My workout was a 30 minute run (just under 3 miles) and 14 minutes on the Expresso bike (at a racing pace the whole time! I ended up beating my ghost ride [Ghost rider = previous personal best time] by over 90 seconds!)

My boyfriend and I had dinner together yesterday at a Middle Eastern food restaurant. It's one of my favorites in town because it's healthy, fresh, cheap and absolutely delicious! We split hummus and pitas for an appetizer and then each got the same thing (not planned!) of a charbroiled chicken pita wrap with turnips, tomatoes and some kind of yummy sauce. We also talked for a long time over a drink (singular!); I had a cranberry and vodka. And then we walked for about 20 minutes and talked while eating two squares of Lindt 85% dark chocolate.

During one of my lessons yesterday, the girl I was teaching (who has been studying with me for 3 years) mentioned something about not getting enough calcium and somehow we got on the topics of nutrition and then weight. And she told me (confided in me?) that she is scared to gain weight, despite being (at least up to this point) naturally thin. She is vegetarian (probably because it's the popular thing to do among her friends, which is fine; it's much less fine if she's doing it to restrict more kinds of food to eat) and she is very active. But a HUGE red flag went up for me when she said that. I have had one student in the past who was also a young girl, around 13 years old, who struggled with anorexia. I noticed almost immediately as I had those same struggles in the past. It's fairly easy for me to tell the difference between when someone is naturally thin (or even, God forbid, has an illness like cancer or something) and when someone has an ED. I don't mean to sound flippant at all but you can just tell by the look in their eyes; anorexia steals the sparkle and joy from them. Their vivacity and spirit are just gone, or very close to gone. I'm not talking so much about the physical appearance; I almost think the lifelessness is sadder to see. I remember in my recovery that people made comments all the time about how pretty my smile was, and how much happier seemed, etc. I realized the meant that, ESPECIALLY now looking back at pictures from that time. *Shudders* Anyway, the whole point of this is to say that I got a little worried about my one student from yesterday and I will DEFINITELY be keeping my eye on her. I talked to her (in a joking, non-lecturing way) about why it is GOOD to gain some weight while growing up, especially since her doctor is almost yelling at her now because she is a bit too thin, and I reassured her that ALL the guys I talk to (I have MANY male friends!) unanimously agree that they like women that look healthy, curvy and full of life! It's a good thing, and it's beautiful!

In giveaway news, Daily Dulcie is giving away Holey Donuts!

Have an awesome day and weekend! Hopefully I'll be back before Monday morning, but I'm never really sure of how my weekend will unfold!